I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
