I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
