Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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