In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
