I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
