Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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