my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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