If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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