Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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