ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
