my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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