I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
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