i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
