I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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