Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
