You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
