Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
