I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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