Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
