Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
