Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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