It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
