Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
