I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
