You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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