so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
