im drinking this country out of the recession.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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