Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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