I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
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