I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
