trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
