Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
True strength comes from lack of pants
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
