There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
