so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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