Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
When are your genitals available?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
