i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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