The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
whose parrot is this?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
