I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
