I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
