yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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