i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
