Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
