Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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