if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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