So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
