my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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