just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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