i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
