I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
