My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
